Sam wasn’t sure why he was doing it but he started to pack. It was a futile and pointless exercise for no other reason then he couldn’t get home for another two days anyway, but he needed something to do. He knew he had ruined it, but at the same time he was happy that this massive weight had been removed from his shoulders. ‘So what now clever twat? Well that’s uni fucked and my friendships fucked, a life stuck with a woman I barely tolerate working in MacDonald’s for two quid an hour, I’ll probably have killed myself by the time I’m twenty five, and that’s something I shouldn’t even be joking about, oh and now I’m talking to myself. Lonely and mental that’s what I’ll be, lonely and fucking mental’.
At that moment the bedroom door opened and Liam walked in. Sam felt sick to the pit of his stomach but he couldn’t help but look at him.
‘I’m so sorry Liam, you kept pushing and I just couldn’t…’ ‘Sam its OK’, he sounded calm but this made Sam panic more, he was going to kill him wasn’t he, murder him in cold blood, Sam’s neurosis increased ten fold in stressful situations.
Liam walked towards Sam, he looked serene, collected. ‘Look if your going to hit me just do it’ Sam said, Liam looked shocked. ‘Hit you! Why would I hit you?’ ‘I dunno, I just assumed…’ ‘That’s your biggest problem Sam, you assume too much’.
‘Well when it’s what you have been used to…’ Sam didn’t bother to finish the sentence, he had never told anyone anything that happened to him at school and now really wasn’t the time or place.
Silence took over the room, Sam struggled for anything to say, he didn’t think a discussion on the weather would be altogether appropriate.
‘I love you too Samuel’. The words fell from his lips so calm and carefree yet they packed a punch like nothing he had ever felt at school. ‘I loved you the moment I laid eyes on you. Don’t get me wrong you are the most annoying person I have ever met and sometimes I want to kill you, but my god Sam I love you so much my heart aches every time I’m near you and…’ He stopped, choking on his own words, a single tear ran from his eye down over his stubbled cheek before dropping onto his shirt.
Sam should have been happy, he was hearing the words he’d wanted to hear for so long but this was suddenly all too real and the realness of the situation made him feel sick. He assumed Liam wouldn’t speak to him again, that he would just go back to hiding away which was what he was used to. ‘Well, say something Sam for God’s sake’, he said hopefully, a nervous smile forming on his lips.
‘Look, Liam, I know what I said but, well… this can’t happen, it just can’t’. Liam looked hurt, ‘Sam, you can’t say you love me, let me say it back and then say it can’t happen…’ ‘How can anything happen Liam, your with Jo, I’m with Sally, were not… not that… were straight, for fuck sake Liam you said yesterday you were moving in with Jo’ he spat out suddenly feeling scared and angry. ‘I know, I know but you’re not happy with Sally and Jo… well Jo is a good friend but I can’t see her as anything else. It’s you I want Sam, you and no one else. I know what I want now, I just didn’t have courage to say it before’.
He walked towards him and Sam could feel his resolve breaking down. He loved Liam so much, he always had but if this happened there was no going back, this would be it and he didn’t think he had the strength. Liam sat next to him, his face was but three inches from his own, Sam could feel his sweet warm breath on his face, he looked into his big brown eyes and all of a sudden he could see his future, his future was with Liam and damn the consequences, so when Liam kissed him Sam didn’t protest. The kiss was so tender and beautiful it was everything Sam had wanted it to be and much, much more, as Liam pulled away they stared at each other and Liam whispered, ‘I love you Samuel, I always have and I think I always will, you’re my best friend, my soul mate this… this is making me so happy.’
‘I love you too Liam’, and Sam kissed him, so longingly and so passionately he never wanted it to end.
Sam woke the next morning to a horrific noise that made him panic until he realised it was his alarm clock. Thoughts of last night came flooding back, had it been a dream? He looked around and Liam was no where to be seen, his bed was made and looked like no one had slept in it all night. Sam struggled to shake the sleep that had taken over his body, what had happened last night? Where was… And then the bedroom door opened and Liam walked in carrying a tray of tea and toast. ‘I had to beg the woman downstairs for this, told her you were really ill and couldn’t come down, she finally gave in when she realised I wasn’t going to move’ he gave Sam that lop sided puppy dog smile he’d always loved and then kissed him on the head as he placed the breakfast on the bedside table, negotiating carefully around the heavily tasselled lamp. ‘The flower… I stole from the garden’. Sam smiled as he took in the rose that had been freshly plucked and placed so delicately on to the breakfast tray. ‘Good morning handsome by the way’ Liam whispered, ‘good morning’ Sam replied, ‘and thank you’.
Sam had never felt so many emotions at one time, happy, ecstatic, scared, worried, guilty, and as they made there way down to meet the others the guilt and worry started to become the dominant emotion. Every time someone looked at him hr thought they knew what had happened, and in all honesty not a lot did happen, they just held each other through the night happy in each others arms never wanting it to end, but Sam felt such guilt as if he had committed a serious crime, his mother would probably say he had. Liam on the other hand had never looked so calm and collected, sitting there chatting to everyone like nothing had ever happened.
The day was filled with a day walking around Oxford
Liam had never felt happier. Last night was everything he hoped it would be and much much more. He had loved Sam from the first time they met, that day when he first walked into the classroom he noticed him straight away, sitting at the back of the class wearing an oversized shabby jumper, hair so lank and greasy it clung to his face, a geek of epic proportions with more issues than the Trisha Show, but there was something about him. Once you managed to get passed the hard exterior, once the wall was taken down, Sam was one of the most honest and pure people Liam had ever met. Of course the thought of loving a man scared him to death. He had known from a young age that he liked boys and not girls, he had just never admitted to anyone before, it was the main reason he worked so much in the restaurant, he didn’t have to mix with people then. He never got bullied at school, he was able to blend in, he played football and liked it, he was obsessed with cars and for these two simple reasons he was popular with boys and girls alike. He was never short of female attention, due to his Italian heritage and Irish charm he had girlfriend after girlfriend during senior school and although he always knew it wasn’t quite right he never really questioned it, he was happy enough with the life he had.
He met Joanne during his last year of sixth form, she walked into the restaurant one night with her family and left her number on her receipt as she left. Two years on and somehow it had gotten very serious, for her anyway. She was already talking marriage and babies. He had told Sam he was going to ask her to move in with him, but he wasn’t, he was doing it to gage his reaction and it was as none descript as usual. When Sam told him he loved him he couldn’t have asked for more. He walked out because he was in shock, Sam had never hinted at how his feelings for him lay, he had his suspicions but to be honest he didn’t like to over fantasise about what would never be. The closest he ever came to admitting his feeling was last Christmas when he dropped him home after the party, he had managed to put a hand on Sam’s leg but then couldn’t go any further for worry that it wasn’t reciprocated, Sam never seemed to notice that night, as usual he was in his own world, a world he had never let Liam into despite constantly trying. He knew something bad had happened to Sam, he knew he hadn’t had an easy life but he knew no details, he could only assume it was bad if Sam couldn’t talk about it. Maybe one day he would.
Liam knew what he wanted out of life now, he knew the path he was to go down. He was comfortable with the person he was and he didn’t care what people thought, he was ready to come out to the world and with Sam by his side he would be the happiest man alive.
‘Penny for ‘em’, Liam said as he crashed into Sam. ‘Eh… what? Oh… I was in a world of my own then’ Sam responded smiling at the sight of this handsome man. ‘So, I was thinking…’ ‘careful Liam, you’ll hurt yourself’, Liam punched Sam’s arm playfully, ‘So, I was thinking’ he said again, but more pronounced, ‘lets go out for a drink tonight, just us, we need to talk anyway, what you reckon?’. Sam smiled, it sounded like a brilliant idea and just what he had wanted to hear all morning. ‘What about the others though?’ Sam asked. ‘Leave that to me’ he whispered giving Sam a cheeky wink and a smile. Sam suddenly felt so excited he thought he may burst there and then.
No comments:
Post a Comment